Fifty Shades Of Broken
by Bubblesdabubbles
Summary: What if Ana didn't go straight back to Christian like she did in Fifty shades Darker. This is the emotional struggle of Ana coming to terms with her choice and trying to keep Christian out of her life. But he somehow manages to sneak his way back in. Canon pairing. Eventually Ana/Christian again. Rated M for later chapters
1. The messenger

**_OK_**_** so i started ready FSOG about 3 months ago, and have to say I fell in love with the story and the characters. This is my take on what i think should of happened when Ana walked out on Christian. I don't think she should of gone back to him so quickly.**_

_**This is my first FSOG story so please be nice to me and please please please review and let me know what you think?**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own ANY OF THE CHARACTERS they are all the works of E.L James. **_

_**And if you like this then please check out my other 2 stories.**_

* * *

**ANASTASIA STEELE'S POV**

"Goodbye Christian" I smiled a sad smile and turned to face the lift doors, hoping and praying the lift was quicker it would have made my walk out a little bit more dramatic, not that I needed any-more drama. I just had to keep facing the lift knowing I had turned my back on the only good thing in my life, but I couldn't be what he needed and wanted and I wanted more from the relationship, and he couldn't give me that and it pained me to my very core.

"Ana Please" Christian begged, he was utterly heartbroken, he couldn't believe that this smart, witty, intelligent amazing woman was walking out of his apartment out of his life and it was all his fault. Why did he have to be fifty shades of fucked up.

"Christian please, I, I just can't be what you want and need, so I am doing us both a favour and leaving now so it will be easier than if we stuck this out. In the end it is just going to end in heart break." I turned back around to face the lift and waited.

After a minute, that felt like hours, the longest minute of my life the lift finally pinged open and revealed Taylor waiting patiently

"Sir?" He turned to Christian only glancing at me and noticing my suitcase, and probably my bloodshot eyes, as well as noticing Christian looking lost

"Ana needs a lift to her apartment" Christian informed his right hand man, the only man he trusted Ana's life and well-being other than himself.

"I can get a bus or a cab. Don't trouble yourself with my problems and well-being Christian" I argued with the overbearing, beautiful fucked up bronze haired control freak that was Christian Grey.

"Anastasia please, just this once can you not fight me at every turn" Christian snapped, he was now angry, angry at Ana angry at himself and angry at his dead birth mother for making him the way he was

"OK" I mumbled and picked up bags, eyes trained to the floor. I couldn't deal with another argument or painful conversation with him so I just took a deep breath turned around and glanced at Christian "Goodbye Christian"

"Goodbye Ana" Christian mumbled, and just like that I was out of his life, and once the lift doors closed the tears came. Taylor wordlessly handed me his handkerchief with a sympathetic smile

"Thank you" I choked the words out around the lump in my throat.

* * *

**NOBODY'S POV**

That was a month ago, and it had been the most painful month in Ana's life, she just slept, woke up, cry, go to work, come home cry some more and go to sleep. Every day it was like this. Kate had come back from her holiday in Barbados, engaged to Elliot and a week after coming back from holiday she moved out. She knew that Ana and Christian had split up whilst she was on holiday but she was unaware of Ana's pain. The only reason how she knew was because Elliot had received a phone call from Christian whilst they were on holiday and Elliot had informed her. But she didn't know how badly Ana was hurting all Elliot had told her that it was an amicable split.

So Ana worked as many hours as she possibly could so she could afford to stay in the apartment, but it also kept her mind and herself busy, so during the day she didn't have the chance to think about Christian or think about the big gaping hole that was in her heart. She could go onto autopilot and not feel a thing whilst she was working. She still hadn't cashed the cheque, it was in her bottom drawer of her bedside table along with a now deflated _Charlie Tango _balloon, and as well as the contract that was the original relationship that Christian wanted with her. The only relationship Christian wanted with her.

"Ana have you got those letters typed up and printed?" Jack, her boss, asked, popping his head around the door to speak to her

"Just printing them now, I will put them on your desk, so you can read them when you get back from the meeting"

"Thank you Ana you are a godsend" Jack smiled and went back to his office.

Ana stood up and headed to the office printer, she was dressed in black trousers, a white blouse, black waistcoat and black flats, she no longer wore heels, Christian loved her in heels. Black had also become her new favourite colour Ana just couldn't deal with the bright colours, and the floaty dresses and skirts that the rest of the women wore around the office wore, it was just too much for her, too much cheerfulness for her tattered heart and wounded soul, so she stuck to her black clothes.

She knew she had to go shopping soon though because her trousers were now hanging off her hips and not in a good way. Ana placed the freshly printed letters on Jacks desk, grateful that he was already in the meeting because as much as she loved working at SIP, Jack gave her the creeps and she kept her guard up around him.

Ana headed back to her desk and logged back into her computer only to find an email from him

"Oh god no, not here, not at work" Ana mumbled to herself, she took a deep breath and opened the email

**From: **Christian Grey

**Subject: **Please do not delete

**Date: **July 08 2011 15:02

**To: **Anastasia Steele

_Dear Anastasia,_

_I apologise about the intrusion at work, but you haven't answered any of my emails I sent to your personal email. I need to know you are OK? Kate has mentioned she hasn't seen you in weeks and she was worried. She said that you hadn't been answering her calls. Which leads me onto the second reason to this email, its Kate and Elliott's engagement party this Saturday and it is at Escala, Kate said you are not allowed to "ditch" as she puts it. Anyway I was wondering if you would like to be picked up and taken straight to Escala._

_Let me know_

_Christian Grey_

_**CEO, Greys Enterprises Holding, INC.**_

_Oh god Kate's engagement party. I have been a terrible friend, I can't not go can i? Do I really have the strength to see everyone after a month? Can I really face anyone? Just reading that email has ripped my broken heart even more. I can and I will for Kate, I can do this for Kate. I will show my face, smile pretend everything is all fine and dandy. For Kate. Then I will go home and cry like I have for the past month. _Ana took a deep breath and hit reply

_**From: **Anastasia Steele_

_**Subject: **Kate's engagement party_

_**Date: **July 08 2011 15:32_

_**To: **Christian grey_

_Thank you for informing me the whereabouts of the party. I do not need a lift thank you. If you could inform me the dress code and time I will be there._

_Thank you_

_Anastasia Steele_

_**Assistant to Jack Hyde, Editor, SIP**_

_There done, email sent. God I need a rare cigarette. _Ana looked around the office and noticed it was only her and Claire the receptionist left in the building

"Claire?" Ana smiled at the red head

"S'up Ana?" Claire bounced her way over to Ana in the usual exuberant way that is Claire's way

"You haven't got a spare cigarette I could have do you?" Ana smiled a shy smile

"I didn't know you smoked?" Claire smiled back and nodded her head

"Only when I am extremely stressed, and right now I am extremely stressed"

"Yea let me get them and I will come out with you as well. Jack won't be back until tomorrow now, and everyone has gone so now one will know" She smiled a secret smile, and Ana followed the red head outside to the designated smoking area.

After a cigarette and a good talk with Claire, it turned out the two of them had a lot in common than they thought; Ana sat down back at her desk and noticed she had a reply from Christian

**From: **Christian Grey

**Subject: **Kate's engagement party details

**Date: **July 08 2011 15:40

**To: **Anastasia Steele

_Dear Anastasia_

_It's a black tie event, and as you know it is this Saturday. You need to be there for 7:30pm. You are going to have to cash that cheque now. Look forward to seeing you._

_Christian Grey_

_**CEO, Greys Enterprises Holding, INC**_

_Black tie? Of course it's black tie. And how does he know I haven't cashed the cheque. Oh yes his stalker ways. He's probably been keeping tabs on me because of his control issues. Great and I am going to have to cash that cheque. He's right. And I hate that he is right. _Ana shut her work computer down and put on her jacket and grabbed her bag.

"I'm off Claire" Ana called to the receptionist.

"OK, well I will see you on Monday have a good couple of days off" Claire smiled and waved as Ana walked passed her desk

"Oh before I forget can you remind Jack I am off until Monday and that all my notes are on his desk along with the letters he asked for?"

"Not a problem Ana. Now go be free enjoy you long weekend" Claire smiled and waved as Ana left the building and headed for her apartment. The best thing about working at SIP it was within walking distance of her home. So she found herself walking more and more to work.

* * *

"I didn't want to cash you" Ana snapped at the cheque in her hand, she had spent the last five minutes sat on her bed just staring at the cheque "I could just rip you up and no one would know"

_Yes but then you would look a mess at the party. You don't own anything for a black tie event. _Ana's snarky subconscious snapped back. She sighed placed the cheque in her bag and headed for the bank, ignoring her subconscious' smug self-satisfied smile.

After spending two hours trying to find the perfect dress, realising she had dropped a dress size and getting some new clothes Ana was home. She dropped the bags by the door and flopped onto the sofa. She stared at the bags and realised a part of her was looking forward to the party. Actually no she was looking forward to getting ready for the party, she had booked herself a spa treatment for tomorrow, and she was going to get her hair done on Friday. That's what she was looking forward to. A rare chance to pamper herself. For the first time in a while Ana smiled a genuine smile looking forward to two whole days of pampering. And it was just for herself, and maybe a little for Christian.

Thursday and Friday came and went in a blur of pampering and crying. Saturday was upon Ana in no time and she was now only just getting nervous. She had just gotten up, quite late Saturday morning and was nursing a cup of coffee when she decided to boot up her laptop, not the mac book pro that she had left at Christian's, but the one she had brought with her first pay check. She opened up her emails and stared at the unopened ones from Christian. She slammed the lid of the laptop, suddenly really angry.

_Why should I look at his emails? I left him because he was too fucked up to sort himself out. This is his fault! Why couldn't he be normal? Why did he choose me?_ _Because if he wasn't fucked up he wouldn't of picked you Steele. _It felt good to feel another emotion other than depression. Ana let the anger flood her system for a few minutes, let herself feel something other than depression or nothing. She just gave herself those few minutes. As she downed her coffee she switched off those emotions and allowed herself to go numb again. She would need to be numb for tonight it was the only way she was going to get through tonight. Be numb and be on autopilot. _Be how you are at work, and everything will be fine_.

Ana stared at herself in the mirror, as she was waiting for her bath tub to fill, trying to figure out why Christian had chosen her. She was nothing special. _Why me? Why me Christian? I am average I am nothing special. I don't have gorgeous hair or body like Kate. I have blue eyes too big for my face; I am gaunt looking, especially now that my appetite is non-existent. I don't understand why he chose me? _ Ana had gotten her hair done yesterday and the new hair style really made her eyes pop now. She had gotten rid of the brown hair and dyed it jet black with red and plum coloured streaks. She wanted a change a drastic change, and a part of her really liked it. But another part of her knew that Christian would hate it. _That's why you did it. So you could defy him. _Her subconscious smirked back at her. _And you will see his hatred for it tonight._

"Oh god, tonight." Ana gasped and for the first time since she got Christian's email on Wednesday she realised that she would be seeing Christian for the first time in a month and it hit her like a ton of bricks. She climbed into the bath and just cried.

Ana did a twirl in her floor length mirror, she was all ready to go, she was dressed in a floor length sliver strapless dress, and the dress had a tight bodice with intricate beading, and then flared ever so slightly at the hips and flowed to the floor. Her shoes were silver platform stilettos to give her-self some height, and she had a matching shawl. She had decided on a delicate necklace with a simple silver heart pendant and dangling earrings. She had to admit to herself she looked good. It gave her a bit of confidence. She had left her hair down in loose waves and they fell over her shoulders and came to rest on her breasts.

_Very nice. Yep you will most certainly do_. Her subconscious smiled and that gave her some encouragement. The door buzzed letting Ana know that the cab was here. She picked up her clutch bag, which held some money for the cab there and back, her keys, some cigarettes, she knew she was going to need them tonight, a lighter and her phone and she left her apartment.

* * *

_**So please let me know what you think? No horrible reviews just constructive criticism is appreciated. For the start of Every chapter i am going to start in in AnA's POV, and then switch to no POV, but if its quite a long chapter then i will be switching between the two. Let me know what you think about this. **_

_**Well enjoy**_


	2. The Encounter

**_OK_**_** so her is chapter 2. I have decided to post the first two chapters so you can get a better feel of the story, and that way you can let me know if i should carry on with it. Or if i should run away and never come back :p. Well as per usual please let me know what you think and i hope you enjoy.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters they belong to EL James.**_

_**If you like this chapter please check out the other stories i have written**_

* * *

**Anastasia Steele's POV**

On the ride to Escala, I was fidgety, i kept wringing my hands in my lap and tucking my hair behind my ear and untucking it.; I kept going over everyone's reaction to seeing me there. Surely Christian's family wouldn't be happy to see me. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if they try and throw me out, or not talk to me at all. _For Kate. For Kate. For Kate._ Ikept up that mantra all the way to Escala. I had to do this for my best friend, i hadn't been much of a best friend this past month. The least i could do was attend this party for her. As soon as I stepped out of the cab and stood in front of the building that's when I lost my equilibrium and hyper ventilating.

_Oh god I am back. Back here, were I don't belong and where I stand out like a sore thumb. Why did I come? I could have just said no and sent them a present. Pull yourself together Steele. You are here for Kate. To celebrate her engagement to be her best friend. You can do this. I_ took a deep breath and for the first time in my life walked through the entrance, instead of the back way, into the Escala building. And went up to the desk, unsure of were to go

"Hi" I greeted the blond receptionist; the blond looked at me with boredom "I am here for a party, engagement party for Katherine Kavanagh and Elliot Trevelyan Grey"

"Ah yes. You want the Lift at the very end of the hall and you want the top floor. I will call up to them to let you know you are coming" Blond receptionist smiled a fake smile as I left towards the lift. I pressed the call button for the lift and waited. What I didn't expect was for Taylor to be in the lift when it opened on the ground floor

"Taylor. Good evening" I shyly smiled, I had missed Taylor, and no matter how many times I tried to deny it I just couldn't.

"Miss Steele." Taylor smiled

"Please Ana"

"Ana. I am here to escort you up" Taylor informed me, and I joined him in the lift.

The silence was tense between us, and I was a little uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what this man thought of me. Maybe he was happy i was out of Christian's life. Maybe he pitied me I just didn't know

"I should give you you're handkerchief back"

"Keep it" Taylor smiled "as a reminder" he said softly

"I will get it back to you. I... it's too much of a reminder" I stuttered, and tried to swallow the lump in my throat away

"Understandable" Taylor nodded his head. "How are you Ana?"

"I am good. Thank you. Busy with work" I smiled and found myself not forcing to feel anything around Taylor I had always been comfortable around him to the point that I classed him as a friend to Christian's dismay and it was nice to sleep easily into the comfort again "yourself?"

"Busy, as you know. The same old. We are here" Taylor said as the lift doors pinged open letting the room know that I had arrived. I took a deep breath and stepped into the great hall. A Million memories hit me all at once, Christian talking through the contract, Christian playing the piano, Christian making love to me the first night. Me making breakfast the morning after we made love the first time, and I gasped. I didn't expect this to be as hard as I thought. I took another deep cleansing breath, put on a brave face and looked up. Everyone was staring back at me.

* * *

**Nobody's POV **

Ana scanned the guests and noticed that Grace and Carrick were stood against the breakfast bar with Kate's parents. Mia, Kate and Elliot were stood near the sofa, Jose was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Christian. There were other people that she didn't know here as well, and they all just stared. Ana was unsure of what to make of their expressions she tried to gage what Grace and Carrick's were, but she just simply did not know.

"Ana" Kate called and bounded to her, and pulled her into a hug

"It has been too long. You look gorgeous, and I love your hair, I personally wouldn't do it myself but it looks wonderful on you. Come have a drink with me" Kate hooked her arm around Ana and dragged her into the crowd. Introducing her to people along the way. Kate lead Ana to the breakfast bar to were her Kate's parents, Grace and Carrick were

"Ana, you look stunning. It's so lovely to see you again" Grace pulled Ana into a motherly hug

"Hi Doctor Grey" Ana smiled a polite smile

"Ana please, Grace."

"Sorry" Ana mumbled and looked at the floor.

"Ana. You look radiant" Carrick pulled her into a hug

"Thank you Mr Grey" Ana smiled, and Carrick gave her a look of disapproval for being so formal with them "so how are you, love?"

"I am good thank you, been really busy with work" Ana smiled

"Ah yes, is it SIP, were you work?"

"Yes I am the assistant to Jack Hyde the Editor" Ana smiled happy to see that Carrick knew where she worked

"And do you enjoy it?" Grace asked, she had heard about this Jack Hyde and he was a dodgy character

"Yes thank you, I am learning so much about publishing. I learn something new every day"

"And the editor, does he treat you well?" Grace asked, generally concerned for Ana

"Yes thank you. He's very understandable with my lack of experience" Ana smiled,

"That's good, well you be careful and look after yourself" Grace smiled, and her and Carrick went to go speak to someone else they knew at the party. Kate had gone off to meet some more of the guests that were arriving leaving Ana by herself at the breakfast bar. She smiled a polite smile when Mrs Jones placed a glass of wine in her hand.

"It's good to see you again Ana" Mrs Jones smiled

"And you to Mrs Jones" Ana took a sip of her wine and watched as everyone mingled with everyone, they all knew each other. She hadn't been in these people's lives for a whole month so she knew nobody but a handful of people. She still hadn't seen Christian. Surely he wouldn't miss out on his brother's engagement part? Ana downed her glass of White wine needing the courage for when she was going to see him. If she was going to see him and smiled when Mrs Jones filled her glass up again.

* * *

Christian walked out of his study and into the party; he stopped just at the entrance of the great hall and scanned the room. He knew she was here because the receptionist had called up to inform him another guest was arriving. He couldn't pick her out from the crowd, couldn't find her beautiful long brown hair, or see her face. Elliot walked up to him

"She's at the breakfast bar with Mrs Jones" Elliot smiled knowing who Christian was looking for. He hoped the two would talk out their differences tonight. Elliot had never seen his baby brother so torn up about a woman. And he couldn't blame him Ana was an amazing woman a rare individual.

"That's not Ana." Christian looked at the raven haired woman speaking to his house keeper.

"Yes it is. She dyed her hair"

"She's too thin. It can't be"

"If you ask me, I don't think she has been dealing very well. Even Kate mentioned you can see her collar bones they stick out, and her face is so gaunt but she's still beautiful. Kate said it looked like she was putting on a front. Go speak to her. Maybe you can sort things out" Elliot informed his brother.

He really wanted both of them to be happy. And to be honest he was truly shocked by how Ana looked when she first walked off the lift. Yes she was beautiful, and she had dyed her hair, but she was too thin, her arms were nothing but skin and bone, her cheekbones stuck out too much her face looked gaunt with dark shadows under her arms and her collar bones stuck out more than he liked.

Christian headed for the breakfast bar and stopped behind Ana, and smiled, it was his Ana he knew by the voice, she still hadn't figured out that he was stood behind her and that's when he truly see how skinny she had gotten. It angered him

"When was the last time you ate?" Christian snapped in her ear, only so she could her him, and he felt her stiffen in his arms. He had placed a hand on her elbow, and the electricity was still there. She spun round and he was flabbergasted by her beauty but also by the fact that she hadn't been looking after herself  
"And hello to you to Christian" She said back, she didn't smile, her eyes didn't light up the way they usually did when she looked at him, she had completely shut down. Straight into auto pilot.

"Don't be coy with me Ana. When did you last eat?" Christian gritted out the question absolutely maddened at the woman in front of him, and himself for not taking care of her like he should have.

"That is none of your concern any-more Christian" Ana hissed at him

"Ana" Christian warned, and she stared at him daring him

"Like I said that's none of your concern any-more. Now if you'll excuse me I have a best friend to talk to" Ana snapped, she was losing her grip on her emotions and she could feel the sting of the tears, she had to get away from him.

Ana walked away and instead of heading to Kate like she told Christian she would she did a bee line to the balcony, and stepped out into the night sky, there were a few people smoking on the balcony and she smiled politely to some of them. She didn't know any of them. She leant against the wall, away from the balcony doors and sparked up a cigarette. She just needed five quiet minutes, just to collect herself, remind herself why she was here. Recollect her composure. She closed her eyes and took a drag of the cigarette, and instantly felt better.

"You smoke now to?" Christian snapped, he had followed her out onto the balcony and signalled for everyone on the balcony to leave. So he could speak to Ana in private.

Ana sighed and opened her eyes. She was met with a grey steely stare

"For your information, I have a cigarette every now and thats when I am stressed. And encase you haven't guessed, this is very difficult for me." Ana snapped back not caring who heard her this time. She had had enough of Christian grey's inquisition already. "I came her for Kate! Not to be bombarded with Questions from you. You are no longer in my life any-more. So you no longer get to know about my lifestyle. Yes I smoke every once in awhile, yes I don't eat as well as I did, purely because I just don't feel well and have no appetite! Yes I am on my third glass of wine; this is a difficult night for me. I came here to be happy for my best friend, Grey. And you are making that EXTREMELY difficult. So why don't you back off and leave me alone" Ana's voice was getting louder and louder throughout her rant, and she screamed the last word, not realising they had gained an audience.

Ana looked away from Christian's face and that's when she realised every set of eyes were on the two of them. She flushed bright red, and pushed through the crowd to escape. She found Kate

"Kate, I wish you all the best, I am sorry but I have to go. I hope you have a good night" Ana hugged her best friend and like that she was out of the room in the lift and heading down to the entrance of the building. Leaving everyone staring after her.

* * *

_**So what do you think? please let me know, and i will post the next chapter up if you guys want more**_


	3. Where is my mind?

**_Oh wow, i am so honoured by all the love and support for this story. I am truly in awe. Well because this story has had such a positive response i had to edit my third chapter ad put it up for you guys. I hope you like it. This story is very angsty, and we see a certain person just give up. But you will have to read to find out. _**

**_Can i just say thank you to all the people that reviewed and followed my story, it really has blown my mind thank you. _**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they all belong to E.L James_**

**_If you like this story please check out my other ones_**

* * *

**_Oh - stop_**

**With your feet on the air and your head on the ground**  
**Try this trick and spin it, yeah**  
**Your head will collapse**  
**But there's nothing in it**  
**And you'll ask yourself**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**  
**See it swimmin'**

**I was swimmin' in the Caribbean**  
**Animals were hiding behind the rocks**  
**Except the little fish**  
**But they told me, he swears**  
**Tryin' to talk to me, to me, to me.**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**  
**See it swimmin'**

**With your feet on the air and your head on the ground**  
**Try this trick and spin it, yeah**  
**Your head will collapse**  
**If there's nothing in it**  
**And you'll ask yourself**

**Where is my mind?**

**Way out in the water**  
**See it swimmin'**

**Oh**  
**With your feet on the air and your head on the ground**  
**Oh**  
**Try this trick and spin it, yeah**  
**Oh**  
**Oh**

* * *

**Anastasia Steele's POV**

I can't believe he thought he still has that control over me? Asking questions that are of no concern to him, how dare he? I was fuming and I angrily wiped away the tears that had trailed down my cheeks. Coming here tonight was a big mistake; it just opened up old wounds. Wounds that I had desperately tried to keep closed for the past month. Just one look at that beautiful man and it brought everything back. The one man in the world I cannot have and the only man I ever want. It just wasn't fair. Why couldn't I just do as I was told? Why did I have to question everything? Fight him at every request? _Because that's what you do Steele._ Great my Subconscious had reared her ugly head, always at the wrong times as well. _Well if you signed the contract and just tried then maybe you wouldn't be this broken_. She was right though, as always with my subconscious. I wouldn't be this broken; I wouldn't be damaged goods if I had just signed. If I had just dealt with the pain, I could have done that surely?

Why did Kate have to go and fall for Christian's brother? Of all the men in the world she had to fall for Christian's brother. That means she would have to see Christian every now and then and each time would be like a white hot knife to her heart. _You chose to leave. You chose not to have him in your life and you chose to deliver this pain onto yourself. _Yes thank you again subconscious for pointing that out to me. But she was right I chose this. I had no right for anyone's sympathy; I had no right to be consoled. I had to deal with this in silence. Maybe with time it would get easier. _Oh who are you kidding Steele, it's not going to get easier, and the only person you can blame is yourself. _

The lift opened up on the ground floor and I blindly ran to the exit, I needed to get out of the building. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve the clothes I was wearing. I needed to get back to the apartment, curl up in bed and cry, until I wake up Monday morning. I just had to ruin the routine. Nothing comes good from stepping out of your routine and I will not be making that mistake again.

I stuck my hand out hailing a cab, a new determination running through my veins. Determination just to get home, and forget about Christian Grey, so he can get on with his life, a life he needs and loves with someone that can give him what he needs and what he wants. Somebody extraordinary compared to me.

"I am just a sucker for misery" I mumbled to nobody in particular, and glanced around the street just to make sure nobody heard me talking to myself; suddenly feeling shy. I climbed into the cab, not looking back, for fear I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears.

* * *

**Nobody's POV**

After Ana's dramatic exit everyone was stunned to silence for a second, and then turned back to Christian, who hadn't moved. Too stunned to acknowledge anybody else in the room, his eyes were trained to the lift were his brunette goddess had just ran to. Finally he snapped out of the trance he was in and looked at the guests in his house. He suddenly realised he didn't want to be in their presence he wanted to chase after Ana, but would she let him? She made it perfectly clear that he wasn't in her life any-more and it was true. He hadn't tried hard enough to get her back, and because of that she was hurting herself wasting away in front of everyone. Well not in front of everyone, hiding away in that apartment of hers.

"Excuse me" Christian coughed and headed to his study, ignoring everyone staring at him, especially Kate who was glaring daggers into his back. Could he really blame her? He had hurt her best friend, he was the reason Ana ran, because he was Fifty Shades of fucked up all because he didn't know normal relationships. He just couldn't do vanilla.

Christian flopped down at his desk and stared at the glider. Why couldn't he try harder with Ana? She was funny, intelligent, witty, incorrigible, frustrating, but so beautiful, and he loved her. The first person he had ever loved. He remembered the many, many hours with John Flynn to get him to finally admit his feelings for one Anastasia Rose Steele.

Christian looked up when someone walked into his study, it was his mother

"Are you OK, Sweetie?" Grace sat next to her son and looked at him, so many emotions passed over his face, and she had never seen her son like this over a woman. Well over anyone until a couple of months ago she thought he was gay. Celibate and, and the day she met Anastasia she could see what a good influence she was on her youngest son. He seemed to light up around her, and he acted his age with her.

"I don't know what to do mum. She's so, just so…" Christian was truly lost for words for the first time ever. This exasperating woman had him tongue tied and so worried about her.

"She's in pain, Christian. Ana is in so much pain Christian it was palpable as soon as she walked into the room, and she doesn't look healthy at all. I wouldn't be surprised if she's lost a dress size maybe two. If she keeps going the way she does, she is going to cause some major damage." Grace told her son straight. "I don't know what happened between the two of you, and I wish you would open up and tell me so I can help, but you need to help Ana. She still loves you. No person reacts that way if they didn't love you."

"She left me though mum" Christian gave his mum a little glimpse of the break up

"Well there must have been a reason. I can't just believe Ana would up and leave you. She loved you and everyone could tell. What happened?" Grace asked

"I, we, we had a fight. A big one and I scared her away" Christian broke down "It's my entire fault and my doing. It's my fault she is like this now, so broken"

"Want to know the best thing about things that get broken?" Grace smiled at her son

"What's that?" Christian was confused, were was his mother going with this

"They can be fixed. But I warn you know Christian, if you leave it for too long, you will lose her. And both of us know you don't want that" Grace stood up and left her son to think over what she had said, and to collect his thoughts.

She was truly saddened by how ill Ana looked when she saw her tonight. She was skin and bone, her eyes were bloodshot, probably from lack of sleep and crying, and she had shadows under her beautiful blue eyes. Those same blue eyes that use to shine with delight were now dull with pain and heart ache, and it just upset Grace. She hated seeing someone she loved in so much pain, whether they were her family or not. The first moment she saw Ana she knew she was in for the relationship with Christian because she genuinely felt something for her son. Anastasia Steele was in that relationship for love not for money or fame.

"Oh Ana, please let us help" Grace whispered and did a silent prayer for the brunette.

* * *

Ana stepped out of the cab and looked up at her apartment, not sure if she could deal with the silence at the moment, she wrapped her shawl tighter around her and set out for a walk down her street. She just couldn't face being in her apartment. It was too quiet to cold, not homey at all for her liking. The other week she had found a park just round the corner from her home and headed for that, once she got there she sat on the swings, just looking up at the sky.

_Why have I put myself through this pain? Because Christian deserves better, I am not good enough for him. Why couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I just deal with it by myself? Oh Christian why are you like this? Why do you have to have complete control? What happened to you to make you like this? At least he looked good, no better than good he looked beautiful, and a beautiful smart philanthropic god. A God I do not deserve. Has he already got himself another sub? I wouldn't be surprised I wasn't exactly what he expected, a blip in the system. It has been a month after all, and life does go on. Kate and Elliott are proof of that. They are getting married, and where have I been? Wallowing in my self-pity. I haven't exactly been the best friend Kate deserves; I can't even get that right. I should be helping Kate look at dresses, pick out venues, look at colour themes. I need to step out of this funk, but I just can't. I can't grasp a branch that I just need. Do I deserve the help any-more? I have blocked everyone out for the last month. Mum, Kate, Ray, Grace, Mia, Jose, Christian Ethan. Everyone. I don't deserve them, I don't deserve their help._

Ana stood up off the swing and moved onto the bench, curled up and cried. She was so tired, tired of the pain, the heart ache tired of being such a failure but she just didn't have the energy to do anything about it. So she just laid there on the park bench in the dark. _Please just give me a minute. I'll get up in a minute I promise. _

Christian stood up from his desk, and pulled his blackberry out of his pocket. He dialled Ana's number but it went to voice-mail. _You've reached Ana; unfortunately I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you._

"Ana, look please, I need to speak to you. The way I handled our meeting tonight was terrible. Look I am worried that's all. Will you please give me a call when you get this?" Christian hung up and stared at the phone, willing it to ring. Nothing, nada, for a good five minutes.

Christian called Taylor

"Car, now" He hung up picked up his jacket and left his study, heading for the lift, he wasn't going to wait he was going to go over to Ana's apartment and make her listen to him, whether she like it or not. It was clear to him she was hurting just as much as he was, and he had to get her back. No matter how long it took him or even if it killed him. He couldn't breathe without Anastasia Steele, she was his oxygen, his sun, his light his reason for living. And he was going to make sure she wouldn't harm herself any-more.

"Christian Grey!" Kate called as soon as she saw her future brother in law leave his study, and stormed over to him

"Kate, not now" Christian snapped at the annoying blond, and carried on walking towards the lift

"Ad where do you thinking you are going. I have a few choice words for you" Kate followed

Christian spun round to face his future sister in law, and she almost smacked straight into him

"Kate, I said not now, because I am on my way to see Ana. I want to set things straight with her, and I will even if it kills me. But with you standing there demanding the exchange of words you are taking up precious time"

"Do you honestly think you deserve her after the show you put on for my guests?" Kate snapped, she was angry, she was actually beyond angry she wanted to punch Christian, but because of him she was having her engagement party in a prestigious penthouse.

"Kate you have no idea what happened, all you know is that we broke up, that was it. So how about you leave me alone, wait until you have all the fact before you start pointing fingers" Christian argued.

"No I will not wait. In all my year I have known Ana I have never seen her like that before. She looked so ill and so lost. This is your doing. She was fine until you came into her life. As soon as you did, she started crying, she would do things I have never seen or thought Ana would do. You can't buy your way out of this one Grey" Kate screamed

"I don't have time for this" Christian stormed off toward Taylor who was waiting patiently at the lift, the two men rode the lift down to the parking lot, and climbed into the car

"Anastasias apartment please Taylor"

"Sir" Taylor nodded and pulled out of the underground parking lot.

Ana was out of tears; in fact she was pretty sure she had no more water in her body. She was bone tired and cold. Oh so very cold. She dragged herself to her feet, and slowly made her way back to her apartment. Her make-up had run from the crying, and her dress was dirty and crumbled up now. But she didn't care, she just wanted to climb into bed, and forget about tonight. That she could do. As Ana rounded the corner she recognised the car that pulled up to her apartment.

"Oh great" She mumbled, her voice hoarse from all the crying. She stayed in the shadows and watched as Christian climbed out of the car and ran to her apartment, ringing her buzzer. It was a good thing she didn't have neighbours or she was pretty sure they would have complained about the noise.

Ana took a deep breath and started walking to her apartment, glancing at Taylor as she passed the car, and smiled a small smile at the man. She joined Christian at the door

"What do you want Christian?" Ana asked her voice monotone devoid of any emotions. She just wanted to get into her apartment

"I came to apologise" Christian muttered, and stared at the top of her head willing her to meet his stare. So he could look her in the eyes. Look into her beautiful ocean blue eyes

"Christian. Please I am tired, cold, and all I want to do is to go to bed. There is nothing to apologise for. That's just the way you are. And to be honest I can't deal with any more arguments. So will you please go" Ana pretty much begged. She couldn't deal with two encounters of Christian on the same day. She needed him to leave otherwise she would crack and she refused to let him see her like that.

"No Ana. I am not leaving. Not until you talk to me" Christian stood his ground

"There's nothing to talk about" Ana snapped. "I couldn't be what you want and need. Simple. I can't be submissive. It's not in my coding. I just can't take that pain. Answer to your every beck and call. I am not built like that"

"Will you keep your voice down" Christian hissed

"Oh for Christ sake, I have no Neighbours. Nobody is going to hear us. Oh and don't worry I am not going to tell anyone about your little secret I signed a NDA remember" Ana snarled at him. She was tired and beyond angry with this man. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Couldn't he see that seeing him was tearing her up in two?

"That's not why I am her Anastasia" He snapped, angered that she thought that was the reason he came to see her.

"Then what do you want?" Ana screamed she was truly at the end of her rope. She just wanted him gone.

"I want you" Christian declared

"Well guess what. I can't do that. I won't do that. So it's a lost cause Christian. Will you please leave" Ana mumbled. She just didn't have the energy anymore to argue.

"Ana, I don't want you like that…"

"Christian. Leave" Ana cut him off. She didn't need to hear that he already had another sub and he wanted to be friends. She couldn't do friends. It would be best that she just never saw him again. A good clean break. That way she would heal easier, if she could heal.

"Anastasia Steele you are the most exasperating woman ever. Will you listen to me for god's sake?"

"Christian. I can't listen to you, OK? I can't listen to you because if I do I will fall apart, and I will break down and cry. And I am DONE crying, I am done breaking apart. I am just done. I can't do it any-more. I can't feel like this. So I am please begging you. To leave me be please. So I can just carry on with my unexciting boring life. Because I cannot take any excitement, or hurt, or happiness any-more. I. JUST. CAN'T."

"Oh Ana, baby, please let me make it better for you" Christian, grabbed her arms, pulling her into a hug, but Ana was unresponsive. It was like her body was there but not her spirit, her soul, that spark that made Ana so unique, so different from all the other woman Christian had met.

Ana had always been so selfless, she left so he could have want he thought he needed. So he wasn't being forced into something he didn't want to do. She came to Kate's engagement party tonight, even though she knew it would be so difficult to see everyone again. And when Ana needed someone in her time of need no one was there for her. It had just been herself for so long. She just didn't have the fight any-more, and that scared Christian the most. He could deal with the tears he could deal with anger, but to have Ana like this so unresponsive, so empty inside. It pulled at his heart strings.

The two stood like that for what felt like hours, it could have been hours for all Christian cared, but it was only a couple of minutes. He had Ana back in his arms, not how he wanted Ana, not unresponsive, he wanted her to warp her tiny arms around him, just so he knew a little of old Ana was in there, but he knew she had just given up. She was just a shell of a person and in that moment he vowed to make it up to her. Vowed to never leave or let her leave again. In this past month he had learned he didn't need that lifestyle more than he needed Ana. He needed Ana to breathe. Ana gave him hope. Not it was his turn to show to her that he can change for her, not because he had to but because he wanted to.

Christian took her keys out of her slack hand, and opened the door. He picked her up, and was grateful that she didn't struggle, but it scared him as well. She was just unresponsive. He carried her into her bedroom, and placed her on the bed. He went into the kitchen and went to get her a glass of water. He returned to the bedroom and noticed that Ana hadn't moved, not to take her shoes off, not an inch.

"Ana, drink this" Christian handed her the glass of water, and she took it from him, but she didn't drink. Even when she was out of it she was still defying him and it made him smirk a little "Drink the water Ana" Christian demanded, and she took a sip.

"Right I am going to undress you and put you to bed. IS that OK?" Christian asked, before he moved. She just looked at him, and then back to the floor.

That movement that tiny movement of her head scared Christian; she was so much like his previous subs that he didn't like it. Where was the fighting defying Ana he was stood in front of just 10 minutes ago? Ana like this truly shook him to the core. He gently got her out of the dress, placed it over the back of the chair in the room and then put her in some pyjamas and placed her in bed.

He left the room leaving the door ajar slightly so he could hear any movement from her, and ran his hands through his hair. He noticed that Taylor was in the living room; he had shut the front door and locked it.

"I figured you were staying here tonight. So I thought it be best I come up, and shut the door. I did a perimeter check, all good"

"Thank you Taylor" Christian moved to the kitchen island and looked around the place. It didn't look like a home, there were still boxes that needed unpacking and the place just looked bare. He sighed and called his mum

"Christian" Grace answered after two rings

"Hey mum, can you come to Ana's apartment. I think she may need some help, but I am not sure" Christian begged

"I am on my way" Grace hung up.

Leaving Christian to his thoughts.

* * *

**Song: PIXIES, where is my mind**

**_Well what do you guys think. I chose that song because it wanted it to reflect how Ana and also Christian to an extent felt, where their heads were at in this chapter. I know Ana is having a bit of a weak moment but i promise you she is not going to just fall straight back into Christians hands. Trust me Ana is going to make Christian fight for her. Ana has had this weak slip up we shall call it because this is the first time she has seen Christian since she has walked out, for throughout the month she hasn't seen anyone, because she has just been working and going home. Its almost like a shock to the system seeing Christian again and it has brought back all her insecurities again. _**

**_Well anyway let me know what you think please I do love all your thoughts. And i won't make you wait too long for Chapter 4_**


	4. Strength and Revelations

_**Right here is Chapter 4 for you guys. Once again i am overwhelmed by all the positive good things all you guys have said and the reviews and followers i am getting. I just cannot expressive enough how much i appreciate it. **_

_**And because you guys have been amazing here is the next chapter just 2 hours after the previous one. Now as of Monday will be on holiday so i am hoping to do two more updates to keep you going until my next update which will be at the end of next week. either Friday or Saturday not sure yet. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they belong to E.L James**_

_**If you like this story please check out my other ones**_

_**Enjoy x**_

* * *

**I could fall in love with you**  
**I could fall in love**  
**In my dreams your dreams come true**  
**Say you'll dream of us**

**Tonight when the bright stars are burning high over Manhattan**  
**All washed out in neon**  
**And hidden from view**  
**But when the power goes out and you look up from Brooklyn**  
**Will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**  
**Oh, will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**  
**Reaching out for you**

**I can tell you're unprepared**  
**For what will happen next**  
**Nothing now could change my mind**  
**Or make me want you less**

**Do you want this tonight when the bright stars are burning high over Manhattan**  
**All washed out in neon**  
**And hidden from view**  
**But when the power goes out and you look up from Brooklyn**  
**Will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**  
**Oh, will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**

**Would you reach for me**  
**I could wait for you**  
**Would you reach for me**

**Bright stars are burning high over Manhattan**  
**All washed out in neon**  
**And hidden from view**  
**But when the power goes out and you look up from Brooklyn**  
**Will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**  
**Oh, will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**  
**Will you reach for me**  
**Reaching out for you**

**Reaching out for you**  
**I'm reaching out for you**  
**I'm reaching out for you**

* * *

**Anastasia Steele's POV**

He's actually here, taking care of me, dressing me and putting me to bed, and I just can't find the energy to argue with him, fight with him or kick him out. I am just completely and utterly spent and all I want to do is sleep. But sleep doesn't take over me. I am just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling, not hearing anything, acknowledging anything. My mind is so fuzzy and cotton like. It's just too much for me. I just can't. He said he wanted me, what am I supposed to do with that information? Go running back into his arms so he can become all controlling again? I can't do that. I have survived a month without him, and I survived a lot longer without a man, apart from ray my dad, in my life. Why does this man have such an effect on me? I mean obviously he's good looking, smart, philanthropic, but he's so fucked up as well, I mean he did say it _I'm fifty shades of fucked up Ana. _Those exact words right out of the horse's mouth. And yet I still found my self-drawn. I should have run screaming with those words but instead I was intrigued by this man, by his past, by his lifestyle to an extent.

And the things he has done to my body, things I didn't think my body could do and feel. He's opened up my mind body and soul to so many things I didn't realise I was missing out on until I experienced them. A dark part of my soul called out to what he wanted to do, and I will admit it that a thrill ran through me when he told me what he wanted to do, a thrill of excitement mixed in with fear. My fear of pain and fear won out in the end. I just can't be told what to do like that. Not after Husband number three of my mums. The husband we don't talk about. It's just too much. Surely it's not healthy being this effected by a man, you barely know. Is there really such a thing of love at first sight, is that what I felt when I first met Christian Grey, yes he was annoying and intimidating, and I couldn't deny he was gorgeous. But really love at first sight? I prided myself in not letting men shape me into a woman I didn't want to become. I had a few boyfriends but nothing serious. To be honest I just wasn't interested, I always thought what was the point. I wasn't beautiful like Kate with her golden perfect hair, her beautiful body and confidence.

I was always a quiet character questioning things, researching something I didn't understand. I would much rather spend a night curled up on my couch reading an old English literature book instead of going out and getting drunk. My mum always said she gave birth to a middle aged woman and I think the reason why I am the way I am is watching my mum jump from husband to husband to husband. I just didn't want that hassle. And then out of the blue here comes Christian Grey coming into my life like a wrecking ball. Curse you Katherine Kavanagh for getting the flu, curse you Christian grey for being so intriguing and beautiful. And curse the universe for dangling this man in front of my nose and going, no you can't have him because he is so fucked up.

Well do you know what screw you universe. I will be alone and I will damn well make sure I make the most of my life, if I am going to be alone. If I cannot have what I want then I will throw myself into work, and make the most of what I have. That's all I needed to do, I just needed to throw myself into work again. Weekends were always the worst, because I had nothing to do, I didn't see the point of unpacking anything other than my bedroom. Maybe I will tomorrow or next weekend. I mean the apartment is mine. Maybe I could redecorate, that would keep me and my mind busy. I could do the living room, the spare room and my bedroom. The bathroom didn't need doing as it was recently done before me and Kate moved in.

For once my subconscious was pleasantly quiet.

* * *

**Nobody's POV**

Christian was sat on the couch desperately listening for movements from Ana's room, he just wanted her to move. To do something, anything just so he knew that the Ana he fell in love wasn't completely lost. _Did I do this to her? Did I finally push her too far? Should I have left when she asked me to?_

The knock on the door pulled me away from my thoughts, before I could even get off the couch Taylor had opened the door to reveal my mother on the other side with her doctor's bag

"Hey sweetie, I'm here" Grace took her son into her arms

"Thank you mum for coming" Christian squeezed his mother taking some of his mother strength for himself. He was completely at a loss when it came to Anastasia Steele.

"How is she?" Grace asked concern lacing her voice, mother and son sat down on the couch

"Physically I think she is fine, I mean she was cold when I got her. As in physically cold, But when she spoke, she sounded so defeated. She just said she couldn't do anything any-more. That she didn't have the energy. She asked me to leave, I didn't and I pulled her into my arms to hug her and comfort her and she became unresponsive. I brought her into the apartment, set her down on her bed. She didn't move, I went to get her a glass of water she took a sip, but that was it. She just took a tiny sip of her water, and I had to undress her and put her in some pyjamas and I put her to bed." Christian took a deep breath, this was harder than he thought "And she hasn't moved since, I don't even know if she has gone to sleep. I have never seen her so broken mum. She just looked so lost, and defeated. Please is she going to be OK?"

"Let me go check on her. Why don't you make some tea" Grace stood up and headed into Ana's bedroom.

When Grace entered Ana's bedroom she didn't expect to find Ana just staring at the ceiling, she was exactly how Christian explained. In her Pyjamas tucked in bed, but just staring at the ceiling. It broke Grace's heart to see Ana like this.

Grace sat on the edge of Ana's bed, and moved some of Ana's hair away from her eyes

"Ana, sweetie, can you hear me?" Grace stroked her hair, and waited for anything to register with Ana. "Ana, can you blink for me if you can hear me?" Graces asked clicking into doctor mode.

A blink.

Grace let out the breath she didn't even realise she was holding. "That's good Ana. I am going to just do a check up on you. Make sure there's nothing physically wrong with you. Is that OK sweetie?"

Another blink.

"OK, first I am going to check your legs, such as your ankles and knees, just to make sure your joints are OK. Then I am going to check your lungs, ears, eyes and check your head m

* * *

make sure there isn't any injury." Grace explained everything sh was going to do to Ana, as not to scare Ana just encase she snapped out of her comatose state. It was always good if the patient could hear you to explain everything you were going to do to their body. So if there was the likely hood of them to snap out of there comatose state, they weren't going to become scared or less likely to go into shock. Grace did everything she explained.

"Right I need you to sit up, and take a deep breath for me honey. Can you do that for me?" Grace gently asked Ana, and was surprised when Ana just sat up, no noise, no complaining she just sat up. Grace took her stethoscope out and placed it on Ana's back, in between her shoulder blades first closer to her right shoulder blade "OK so can you take a deep breath for me?"

Ana did as she was told

"Good, now release." Grace smiled, she moved the stethoscope to the opposite side of her back "OK and again"

And Ana took a deep breath held it for ten seconds and released.

"Good Ana" Grace placed her items away. Ana just sat there. Staring into space. Grace sat next to her again, and gently turned Ana's head so she could look the young woman in the eyes

"Now Ana, there is nothing physically wrong with you. What I think has happened is your mind has triggered a protection mechanism. This sometimes happens if you are overwhelmed, experience a traumatic event or severe injury. Do you understand?" Grace gently asked

Ana moved her head a fraction.

"Right what I am going to do is give you a sleeping pill, so you get a decent sleep, because I don't think you have been sleeping well for a while, and a decent night sleep can do a world of good. I will not be leaving tonight. I will just be in the living room." Grace took out a pill from her bag "Now take this" She handed Ana the pill and her previous glass of water. "I want you to drink all that water, as you have had a few glasses of wine. And I believe you may be slightly dehydrated."

Ana did as she was told and laid back down, it didn't take long for the sleeping pill to take effect and soon she was in a deep dreamless sleep.

* * *

"How is she?" Christian asked as soon as his mum came out of Ana's room

"She's fine. She's sleeping. I gave her a sedative, so she could sleep. He mind has triggered a protection mechanism. It happens when someone has received severe injury, a traumatic event or whereas in Ana's case, because she is completely overwhelmed and with lack of food and sleep her mind has triggered it. Basically her mind cannot take any more information at the moment. It's like reaching capacity limit. Until she processes everything that has happened, she will only listen to simple commands. She's asleep now and she will be out for the rest of the night and probably the majority of the morning."

"Oh good. So she's not hurt physically or anything?" Christian just wanted to double check

"Physically she is fine, apart from being malnourished and possibly anaemic, but I wouldn't know for sure without doing a blood test and I didn't want to do that without Ana's permission" Grace sunk to the sofa, and looked at her youngest son. He was so young and yet seemed so old at the same time.

"She's going to be fine Christian. I promise you that. Now I suggest we all get some sleep. I am staying here. I believe Ana has a spare room."

"Yea, to the left of Ana's room, is Kate's old room. Then opposite the bathroom is the spare room." Christian explained to his mother

"Right then I will have some tea and then go bed. I suggest you go home Christian" Grace said

"I am not leaving her mum. I let her walk out once. I am not doing the same to her. Especially when she needs me" Christian argued

"Look Christian I am too tired to argue with you, it's been an emotional day. Stay if you like but don't expect to be welcome back with open arms when Ana comes round. I just want to warn you sweetie. Do you understand?" Grace asked her son

"That's fine. I am not going anywhere" Christian stated in his Dom voice

"You two are as stubborn as each other" Grace smiled and went into the kitchen to make her-self some tea, and call Carrick and inform him she wouldn't be home tonight .

* * *

**Anastasia Steele's POV**

I woke with a desperate need to go toilet. My bladder felt so full I think I am going to burst. I shot up in bed too quickly, oh god my head is killing me. I feel all fuzzy. I ran to the bathroom, and relived myself, confused as to what the time was and what the day was to be honest. I looked at myself in the mirror, and noticed I did seem a bit more rested. It must have been the wine I drank last night. Oh god why can't I recollect my thoughts from last night. It's just blank a black hole of nothing. I remember getting ready for Kate's engagement party. I looked down and noticed i was in pyjamas. I don't even remember getting changed and going to bed. Oh god did I really drink that much?_  
_

I headed for the kitchen I needed a coffee, as I walked into the living room area I stopped in my tracks. There with his back to me was Christian Grey in my Kitchen, naked from the waist up. Oh god did we? No surely we didn't? I wouldn't allow it. I stood there desperately trying to recollect my memories but nothing came up. I started to panic. Christian spun around to face me, and his smile turned into a frown from my expression

"Oh god we didn't…did we?" I asked

"What? Oh, oh no, we didn't. Don't worry Ana we didn't sleep with each other. I came to speak to you, and you were in such a state last night, that you went into a comatose state" Christian explained

"What?" I tried to wrap my head around what he said, as I was about to ask my next question Grace came out of Kate's old room, now I am truly confused

"Dr Trevelyan Grey? What are you doing here?" I asked, ignoring her disapproving glare for acknowledging her formally.

"What do you remember from last night?" Grace asked me, I couldn't ignore he kind motherly concern laced voice. Oh how I miss my mum.

"I remember getting to Escala. Arguing with Christian, being in the park and then nothing" I explained.

"Why don't you sit down honey. " I did as I was told. Grace turned to Christian " Sweetie, why don't you make us all some tea" and turned back to me

"After you left Escala, Christian came to see you, he told me you two talked on your doorstep for a while and then you just became unresponsive. He carried you into your apartment undressed you and put you to bed. He then called me and I checked you over. To make sure you weren't physically hurt. You were responsive to basic commands" Grace explained.

"H…How did this happen?"

"Well when something like this happens, it's like a protection mechanism for the mind. It usually happens when people have received serve trauma, severe injury or in your case, you were so overwhelmed. You brain wasn't coping with everything. Think of it as your brain reaching its full capacity, and needing to process everything before it could take any more information in. Combined with a lack of food and sleep, I think that's why it happened to you sweetie. As we all know this past month hasn't been easy for any of us"

I nodded my head not really fully listening to what Grace was saying. I was taking everything she was saying in, just it was taking a while for my brain to process it. God I was feeling sluggish. I was taking basic commands. Oh god like a submissive. How embarrassing, and Christian was here to see it all. I suddenly felt trapped I needed to get out.

I abruptly stood up and headed to my front door

"Ana, baby where are you going?" Christian asked. He had four mugs in his hands, probably filled with tea. The only problem with that is I didn't drink tea in the mornings any-more.

"I, I need some fresh air." I grabbed my purse from my stand near my front door, took my cigarettes out and walked outside, and sure enough standing post at the door was Taylor. I sparked up my cigarette, and took a very long needed drag.

Taylor was thankfully quiet I think he must of known I needed time to just process everything that I was told. Thankfully Grace and Christian didn't follow me out, which allowed me time to think and finish my cigarette in piece. I took a finally drag ran my hands through my hair, and rested them on the back of my neck. Took a deep breath and went back into my apartment. I needed to do this otherwise I would never do this.

I stood in front of Mother and Son. Ignoring my mug of tea, I looked at Christian in the face

"Right. Christian. I really appreciate what you did for me last night. I really do. But I cannot be around you. It confuses me, and we both know I am not good for you. I can't be what you want and need."

"Ana, I don't care about that. I care about you"

"Christian please. Just I can't not right now. This past month has been hell for me. And the only person I can blame that on is me. I really do appreciate you for looking after me last night. Obviously I wasn't myself last night but I can't have you keep popping up trying to save me, when I don't need saving. I am fine, honestly I am. I am keeping up payments with this house, and my bills. I have a good job, a stable job, and I enjoy it. It keeps me busy, and I just need to concentrate on my work. I love the fact that you came into my life you introduced me to so many things I never thought was possible. But I left for a reason, and we both know why that is" I took a deep breath. This was harder than what I thought

"Ana. You are not OK. And you are not FINE." Christian snapped at me. Oh mercurial Christian, great.

"You barely eat, you are skin and bone. It's not healthy just doing work coming home and going back to work. Trust me I know it's not healthy. You are smoking, you drink coffee now. Your health is suffering due to your lifestyle this past month. It's not healthy, and quite frankly it scares me. I can't just sit back and watch as you wither away to nothing" Christian snapped, he was in Dom mode taking no prisoners

"I am sorry Christian, you will not be sitting back and watching me wither away. As you say, because we have no need to see each other any-more" I snapped truly angry did he honestly think he could just wander in and out my life as he pleased?

"No reason to see each other any-more? Have you forgotten my brother is marrying your best friend?" Christian snapped back

"What you mean the best friend that deserted me for a month for a guy? The best friend of mine that didn't know how much I was hurting, and how much our break up nearly killed me. That moved out a week after she came back from her holiday to move in with Elliott." I screamed, who did he think he was trying to use Kate as a way to see me? Seeing as I didn't really want to see Kate not after she left me by myself at the party last night. Oh yes I remembered that.

"I get that Kate hasn't been the best friend, but still what stopped you from picking up the phone?" Christian hissed

"Yes because I wanted to be around two happily engaged people after what we went through. I am sorry but I just couldn't deal with that. I am sorry Christian but I am not like you. I can't be so cold and collected around people. It's just not who I am" I snapped I was just so angry. How dare he blame me for not being in Kate's life.

Well what stopped her from picking up the phone. _He does have a point though, and you know he does. That's why you are arguing. _Oh great it looks like my subconscious is at her best after the lovely sleep we had. At her sarcastic snarky best. I took a deep calming breath

"Christian Please. I am asking for time. Can you at least give me that?" I asked. He at least could give me time

"Is this what you really want?" He looked so defeated

"Yes. It's not what I want. It's what I need. Please" I begged. And he finally conceded

"OK, I can at least do that" Christian stood up, and went to hug me but I stepped back

"I am sorry but I can't. If I do I will break. I need to find out who I am again. I lost myself when I was with you and that scared me. I don't want to be some woman that forgets who she is because she is so wrapped up in her boyfriend. I am not that sort of person. So please just time." I held out my hand, and he placed his much larger one in mine and I shook our hands.

"Time" He whispered and with that he was out of my apartment. And I sagged in relief glad he finally understood.

I turned to Grace, who was just sat on the sofa, I was unsure what to expect from her, after what she just witnessed.

"That was very grown up of you Ana. I am so proud of you" Grace smiled a motherly smile

"Thank you." I shyly looked up at her "Look, Grace, I love your son, I do. But there is a lot of baggage that I need to sort through. And I need to figure out who I am before I delve back in to the life of Christian Grey. "

"I completely understand sweetie. Don't worry." Grace took my hand, and held it "can you please do me one favour. It would really mean the world to me."

"What's that?" I could do this for Grace

"Please can you start eating properly again. I really want to do a blood work up on you. Just to check to see if you are Anaemic and malnourished. I am very worried about your weight."

"I, I can do that" I took a deep breath. If Grace was going to be my doctor she should at least know this "Grace you need to know this. I, erm, I suffer from Anorexia" I mumbled

"I see honey. And I am guessing difficult times trigger it?" She asked, no judgement in her voice or anything. I just nodded I couldn't speak due to the lump in my throat. Why couldn't my mum be like Grace was when we found out about it, and not be judgemental or call me an attention seeker?

"Oh Sweetie" Grace pulled me into a hug, and I silently wept in her arms. "OK, this is what we are going to do I want you to come to the hospital today, we will do those blood works and get you on the correct supplements you need. We will also sort out a dietary plan for you that I want you to stick to for 3 months. Then we will look at it again in 3 months' time" Grace whispered, whilst rubbing my back.

"Thank you Grace" I whispered.

* * *

_**Song: Krysta Rodriguez Reach for me**_

_**The songs I am putting in the chapters are the songs I listen to as I write the chapters and some points in certain lyrics they are how either Ana or Christian feel. This one is for Christian trying to reach out for Ana**_

_**Well what did you guys think? Terrible good? OK? anything that needs working on? **_

_**As with the whole Anorexia, I will get this out before people start bitching to me. I am a sufferer of Anorexia and most of the times i am fine, but when i have a difficult time it triggers it. It can be something simple as being called fat or even just feeling fat. But also difficult times such as breaks up or family members passing away. Anyway you see my point. What Grace said what she is going to do for Ana is exactly what my Doctor did for me. About a year ago i had a very difficult time and basically went in a comatose state. My doctor explained to me what happened afterwards and with my husband telling me as-well i was able to portray it rather acutely in this chapter.**_

_**Well the usual let me know what you think. And thank you again for all the reviews they truly mean the world to me.**_


	5. She Will be Loved

**Right i apologise now, that this is quite a short chapter, but it is very informing. And once you have read the chapter you will understand why I kept it short. As always i want to hear what you guys think so please don't forget to review. I always want to her you guys thoughts.**

**As for the Private messages i have been getting. I have responded to all of them, please don't think you are being ignored i promise you, you are not just got a few to go through. Please keep the messages coming as well. **

**I go on holiday tomorrow, well today (if you are in Britain). I will not be leaving until late afternoon early evening so will hopefully have another one or two chapters up by then, but I will not be back until Friday evening. So please don't panic, this is the reason there will be no updates this week, baring the next one or two chapters which will go up between now and before I leave.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters they belong to E.L James.**

* * *

_**Beauty queen of only eighteen**_  
_**She had some trouble with herself**_  
_**He was always there to help her**_  
_**She always belonged to someone else**_

_**I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door**_  
_**I've had you so many times but somehow I want more**_

_**I don't mind spending every day**_  
_**Out on your corner in the pouring rain**_  
_**Look for the girl with the broken smile**_  
_**Ask her if she wants to stay awhile**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_

_**Tap on my window, knock on my door**_  
_**I want to make you feel beautiful**_  
_**I know I tend to get so insecure**_  
_**It doesn't matter **_**_any-more_**

_**It's not always rainbows and butterflies**_  
_**It's compromise that moves us along, yeah**_  
_**My heart is full and my door's always open**_  
_**You come any-time you want, yeah.**_

_**I don't mind spending every day**_  
_**Out on your corner in the pouring rain**_  
_**Look for the girl with the broken smile**_  
_**Ask her if she wants to stay awhile**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_

_**I know where you hide alone in your car**_  
_**Know all of the things that make you who you are**_  
_**I know that goodbye means nothing at all**_  
_**Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls**_

_**Yeah**_

_**Tap on my window knock on my door**_  
_**I want to make you feel beautiful**_

_**I don't mind spending every day**_  
_**Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh.**_  
_**Look for the girl with the broken smile**_  
_**Ask her if she wants to stay awhile**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_  
_**And she will be loved**_

_**Please don't try so hard to say goodbye**_  
_**Please don't try so hard to say goodbye**_

_**Yeah, yeah.**_

_**I don't mind spending every day**_  
_**Out on your corner in the pouring rain**_

_**Please don't try so hard to say goodbye**_

* * *

**Anastasia Steele's POV**

It had been a week, a week since I spoke to Christian and Grace, after mine and Graces heart to heart I had gone and gotten blood works and they confirmed what Grace was thinking but I already knew. This always happened, from a young age I suffered with this condition. Things got too much I turned to coffee and cigarettes. I refused to eat. No it wasn't the fact that I refused to eat it was the fact that I just had no appetite.

I know in my heart of hearts I should eat but everything looks so unappetising, and every time I try and eat something it just tastes like dust. So after my blood works came back I sat down and spoke with Grace, and we went through everything. I had to be completely honest with her, for this to work. She was going to be my doctor, unusual considering she's a paediatrician but she insisted, and it was nice for someone to look after me for once.

**One Week Ago**

_I sat down opposite Grace at her desk, as she looked over my results; I knew what they would say. Malnourished, Iron deficiency, Calcium deficiency and anaemic and so on and so on. Grace looked up from my chart, placed it down on her desk and just acknowledged me with a cock of her head_

"_OK, so the results are back and they are what I thought and I assume what you expected. Now I am not going to lecture about eating and taking care of yourself, as I know you are a smart girl and you know all this. You and Christian have split for some reason that both of you won't tell me and it has triggered your condition which I assume you usually have under control?" Grace smiled, and I couldn't help but smile back. She just glowed with concern and motherly love, something I didn't really receive from my own mother. _

"_Now for me to help you, I need to know all the details. What age you were when this started happening. When you were diagnosed. What triggered it? Can you be completely honest with me Ana?" Grace asked slipping into doctor mode, and I nodded my head. I already knew I would have to tell her about my past and about my condition_

"_OK" I mumbled, I knew I had to do this but it didn't mean I had to like it. I didn't want anyone's pity from the past. The past was in the past and I had worked so hard for it not to affect the person I was today. But due to my past and me getting my condition from the past it was affecting the person I was today. My grace could help me deal with the past and move on fully. Maybe even find closure. But I knew for closure I would have to confront my mother and I hadn't seen her in nearly five years._

"_It started when my mum married husband number three" I started, and glanced at Grace, she was intently listening elbows resting on her desk, her head resting on her overlapping hands. "Me and Steve, we really didn't get on. He wasn't a nice person. Anyway, I and Steve fought a lot, and I begged my mum to divorce him, but she kept saying we would sort out our differences. But we didn't. Steve got abuse. Nothing sexual before you ask just physical and well mental. He would call me fat, and ugly a good for nothing nobody, and if I refused to do something or just acted out towards him. I would get hit. I would tell my mum and she would just turn around and go well you must of done something to deserve it." I took a deep breath, close to tears. _

_How could a mother be that heartless, and selfish? She didn't have a care in the world for me I am sure she just saw me as some kind of nuisance. That's why I think she didn't put up much a fight when I said I was going to live with Ray._

"_Anyway, this went on for about a year of him calling me fat, ugly, saying that I would amount to anything. And I starved myself. I found myself spiralling into a depression, and getting thinner and thinner. But my mother didn't seem to notice. As long as she got a nice house, nice car, and I was at school she loved it. One day when I was at school, I was walking to my locker and I just collapsed, and the next thing I know I was waking up in a hospital bed with an I.V and a food drip attached to me. I must of fainted, blacked out or something because apparently I was out for 3 days." I looked up to see Graces reaction, but I couldn't read her face. I don't know if she was disgusted, concerned or what. So I carried on._

"_My doctor informed me that I was Anorexic and asked what had brought this on. I said I was missing my dad, Ray, and I wanted to go live with him and that was that. A week later Ray picked me up, nursed me back to health and I moved on. I was 14 when I started starving myself and 15 when I was informed I had Anorexia" I stared at my hands, blinking back the tears, not realising how painful reliving the past would be. _

_I didn't see or hear Grace Move, but I saw her hands encompass mine and she enveloped me into a hug and I broke down. I hadn't talked to anybody but Ray about this. Not even Kate knew the full extent of it. It felt good to let somebody else know, my shoulders suddenly felt lighter. What's that saying? A Burden shared is a burden halved? _

"_Feel better?" Grace whispered, and stroked my hair in the way only a mother knows how to, and I nodded a half smile on my face "Thank you for letting me in and letting me help you Ana. You should never let your past hold you back. I wouldn't say you are cured but I think it might be best for you to see someone about your past. Just to deal with those problems and also so we now what your triggers are and see how we can overcome them."_

"_I can do this without professional help. Honestly I can" I pleaded_

"_Oh honey, it doesn't mean you need help, or that you are crazy. It's just even the strongest people sometimes need an extra bit of help to get them through difficult times. Think of me, or if you decided to see a therapist as a crutch. You just need that little extra help until you can walk on your own again." Grace smiled at me, _

"_I'll think about it"_

"_That's all I ever want you to do. Right I am putting you on a course of vitamin supplements. These vitamins are to be taken in the morning with your breakfast. You have a 40mg of Folic acid, and 60mg of Vitamin D. This pill is just one pill. Then there is Super Omega 3, which is a capsule with omega 3, cod liver oil and olive oil, with omega 3 fatty acids. This one is to be taken 3 times a day with your meals. Then the final one is a tablet of 1000mg Vitamin C, to be taken once a day, with your breakfast. It will boost your immune system and help with fatigue. And then there are your iron tablets. To be taken 3 times a day with every meal. Following?" Grace smiled at me_

"_Yea" I took the vitamins and my iron tablets from her and put them in my bag_

"_Now, I want to put you on a high in fibre, red meat and carbohydrate diet. We need you to put a bit of weight back on not too much, but what is recommended for someone your height and size. I have printed off a couple of food which you can have, and foods that you cannot. These also have recipes for breakfast lunch and dinner. So you can mix it up and give you some ideas." She handed me a small folder and I quickly flipped through it, before placing that in my bag. _

"_Thank you Grace. I really do appreciate it" I stood up, and placed my bag on my shoulder, and turned to head for the door. _

"_Not a problem. If you need me at all, for anything do not hesitate to call me. I have written my number just inside the folder." Grace followed me to the door, and before I walked out, I pulled her into a hug, and then I was out of the door, heading home._

**Present Day**

I was sat on my couch looking at the folder that grace had given me. I hadn't done too badly this week but at the same time I knew I should have been doing better. In the last seven days I had eaten a maximum of four meals. This was four times more than last week but no was near enough for what Grace or Christian would like. With Grace I think she would understand, she would know this is difficult for me with her profession but if Christian found out he would flip his lid and probably force feed me food, and I couldn't handle that.

I looked at one recipe and it looked really interesting, something I was willing to try and make. Maybe not to night because it looks like it would need some time, but definitely tomorrow. Plus I would need to do a grocery shop first as well.

**Potato Cakes with meat**

**Ingredients:**

1KG of potatoes

I large egg (Beaten)

35g Plain sugar (multi-purpose)

Salt and freshly ground pepper

Olive Oil

**For Meat Filling:**

1 TBSP Olive Oil

1 Onion (red or white) finely chopped

I Garlic clove finely chopped

250g minced Beef or Lamb

1TSP Mixed herbs/parsley/rosemary (mint if using lamb)

125g Chopped peeled tomatoes

3TSP finely chopped spinach

Pinch of salt.

**Preparation**

1 Scrub, the potatoes, and boil them in their jackets until tender. Drain, peel and mash to a smooth puree. Leave to cool, and then mix in the egg and the flour. Season with salt and pepper and set aside.

2 To make the meat filling, heat the olive oil in a frying pan or wok and gently fry the onion until soft. Add the garlic and meat and stir until meat is crumbly and starting to brown. Add in the herbs of choice (mixed, parsley, mint) and tomatoes and season with salt. Reduce the heat to lowest cover and simmer for about 15 minutes. The mixture should be fairly dry.

3 Take about a table spoon of the potato mixture ad flatten it in the palm of your hand. Put a tea spoon of meat filling in the centre and close the potato around the filling. Roll into a ball and place on a tray. When shaping the potato cakes, dampen your hands with cold water, to prevent the potato from sticking.

4 Roll the potato balls in some extra flour and flatten them slightly to make thick cakes.

5 You can then either put them in the oven for 20 minute or lightly fry them in olive oil and serve up with a side of spinach and a little sprinkle of salad dressing.

I made a quick mental note of what I would need to buy when I go shopping in the morning, and closed the folder. Tonight I was just having a plain old Cheese and broccoli pasta, but tomorrow I would do fancy. Well sort of fancy. I may even invite Grace and Carrick round, if they weren't too busy. I looked at the time and decided to give Grace a call.

* * *

**Grace Trevelyan Grey POV**

When I looked at my phone to see who was calling, I was quite surprised to see that it was Ana, I hadn't heard from her all week, which I assumed it meant she was doing really well or she was having a difficult time.

"Ana, sweetheart, how can I help?" I smiled, I loved this girl already as my own daughter and I had vowed to give her as much love as I possibly could.

"ERM, it was more of a question really. You see I was looking at some of the recipes in the folder you gave me, and I was wondering if you, Carrick, Mia and possibly Christian was free tomorrow evening so I could cook dinner? I mean I understand if you are busy, it is kind of short notice. But I saw this recipe and wanted to try it out" Oh the poor girl was babbling, from embarrassment

"Ana, Ana. Calm down. We would love to come round for dinner. It means I can catch up with you and see how you are doing. Plus this will be a great way to see how far you can have come in a week. If you are comfortable eating in front of people" I smiled, I knew this girl was determined, but she really had out shone herself.

"OK, well can you get her for 7pm, and please ask Christian for me?" Ana asked me so shyly and sweetly I couldn't say no.

"Consider it done" I smiled, and then said goodbye.

I really do hope and pray that Ana and Christian get back together, I can also see at the same time why Ana would want to try and become her own woman first as well. She was so young, and Christian could be very intimidating as well. He was also stubborn and very one track minded. But then again Ana was the same as well. She was intelligent, beautiful, down to earth, stubborn and so very determined. She was certainly a match for Christian that was for sure, but she just needed a little more self-belief.

When I first met Ana I couldn't understand why she was quite shy, and why she was so unsure about herself and her looks. It was a nice change to see Christian with someone that wasn't after his money, or status or anything. She was so very normal for Christians tastes, especially from the very little lot of women I did see with him, and that was very rarely. But since learning Ana's past with her mums third husband I now understood why, and from what it sounds like, her mother is very much a free spirit do as she pleases and not what is best for her daughter. But I would very much like to meet Ana's step dad, or father as she calls him, Ray. He seems like a very nice gentleman to meet, if he has any doing, which he does, in raising Ana. I would very much like to shake that man's hand, because he has raised a fine polite young woman and he should be so proud of her. Like I am and that's in the little time I have known her. Even Carrick is completely taken by Ana, I mean who wouldn't from meeting the young woman she is so selfless.

* * *

**Song: Maroon 5 She Will Be loved**

**Now i chose this song because I feel it shows how Grace feel towards Ana, i know it is traditionally a song for secret lovers, but i was listening to it as i was writing this chapter, and realised that it can be interpreted as a mother to daughter song, a mother vowing to love her daughter (adopted, biological or from a marriage) unconditionally. And i wanted you guys to realise how much Grace truly loves Ana as a daughter. She has from the start.**

**Now the recipe that i have put in this is a real recipe, it is one i use quite often and my husband loves it. It just makes potatoes and beef a bit of spicing up instead of the normal mundane serving up of slices of meat and potatoes. It is so very tasty. I like to use a lot of herbs and spices. So i just put the basics in the chapter. But you can add pretty much what ever herbs or spices you want. **

**Before you all have a go at me for Ana's prescription, it is the EXACT same prescription my doctor put me on when we found out i had this condition. It is an actual prescription for myself from about 5 years ago. I remember because i had to go hunting for the prescription slip. ( I keep paperwork like there is no tomorrow).**

**Well like always let me know what you think in either an email (PM) or a review**


End file.
